I spend quite a lot of time in coffee shops. I find them wonderful places to work on writing tasks. I have access to good coffee and I feel I am in company, even though I usually plug my headphones in to block out the extra noisy voices. One of my colleagues once said that they thought that all Doctorates are written in coffee shops, and this is certainly true in my case. Writing a tricky Literature Review is certainly helped by a cappuccino or two.
Occasionally I lift my head up away from whatever writing task is absorbing me, take off my headphones and bring my attention to other people in the space. Occasionally I overhear conversations that catch my ear and I can’t help but tune in.
Today, I am sitting beside a table full of older women having an animated conversation about their families, hobbies and life in general. They have clearly known one another for some time and have a lot to say and to share with one another.
What drew my attention to them was one of them saying ‘do you mean the one with the teeth?’. That was an intriguing way to describe someone I thought, but they all knew who she meant. Yes, they chorused, ‘the one with the teeth’. That conjured up an image for me of a person with such notable teeth that they would be described as ‘the one with the teeth’. I felt some sadness for the person who was so easily identifiable by their teeth alone, having had quite the history with orthodontics myself, and wondered why this person, who I don’t know in any way at all, has not had access to a dentist to resolve whatever is so notable about their teeth. I smiled to myself at the thought train I had jumped on and told myself to get back to my academic writing. Honestly, my brain has a mind of its own.
Then, just I was putting my earphones back on, another one of the women said, ‘I had to deal with the ginger one yesterday’. ‘The ginger one’? She said this with no hint of malice and, again, her friends all knew who she meant. What she had to ‘deal with’ I have no idea, but again it was clear that the person she was referring to was being identified by an aspect of their appearance, in this case I presume their ginger hair.
My thoughts moved then to the difference in the use of language these women were using and the sensitivity we have around language in the therapy profession.
As therapists and teachers we know how important words are. Words create our worlds, our meanings, our identities, our sense of safety, our awareness of danger, our community, our inclusion and our exclusion. Words mean different things to different people though and a phrase that feels more inclusive to some people will feel excluding to others. Identity language in particular changes very quickly and a really well intentioned term can be fully acceptable at one point in time and then considered offensive at another point in time.
For the ladies having their coffee beside me, referring to someone as ‘the one with the teeth’ or ‘the ginger one’ is fully acceptable to them. I wonder how they are described by ‘the one with the teeth’ and ‘the ginger one’ and I how they would feel about the descriptors used for them? I have used ‘older women’ and ‘ladies’ to describe them. Those terms in themselves are assumptions based on the way the people sitting next to me look. Who knows how they individually feel about the descriptors ‘older’, ‘women’ and ‘ladies’.
I am glad the world has moved on somewhat and we have, in some contexts, more sensitivity to language and the impact of the words we choose to describe other people.
At CICS we like to hold compassion for multiple perspectives rather than holding a standard of absolute right and wrong. We will all inevitably get our words wrong at times. Our view is that being ‘right’ is not the aim. What matters is the central philosophy of inclusivity and the intention to honour and respect people of all identities, including the ‘one with the teeth’ and ‘the ginger one’ and the ‘older ladies.
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