Dear Parents,
If you identify as a parent, congratulations! Whatever way it happened for you to expand what it means to be a family and bring children into your life; you’ve done something incredible that no one else will understand. This includes you before you were a parent.
I could give you tips and tricks about what to do and at what stage of life. There are theories and experts that can point you in the direction of the how-to part of parenting that you identify with. I will instead let you in on a secret. Parenting boils down to 3 jobs. Keep them safe. Help them learn. Make sure they know they are loved by you. That’s it. If one or more of these drivers is behind the choices you make in your chosen parenting style 85% of the time, you have done your job.
But how should we talk to our kids about sex and relationships?
Start the conversation now and keep going
When should you start talking about sex and bodies and relationships? Immediately. This is a conversation that evolves as your children’s ability to understand evolves. However, remember that there are 2 people in this conversation. You need to practice talking about bodies. This can be as simple as talking aloud while changing a diaper about what you are doing and why. Does the baby understand? Of course not. However, you can practice talking about a penis or a vagina or a vulva with your child. That means that when your child does start to understand, you’ve already worked out your discomfort around saying those words out loud.
As your child grows, so does this conversation. You can begin to talk about body autonomy and why parts of our bodies are private. Doing this without shame helps your children learn to love their bodies how they are and see them as a valuable and special part of who they are.
As they get older, we talk about relationships and how we let other people treat us as well as how we treat other people. We talk about consent, when it can be given and for what and what it is like to give and receive it. We talk about the dangers of other people’s intentions. We talk about feeling disappointed and feeling as though we’ve disappointed others. We talk about sexual health and staying safe.
Parenting boils down to 3 jobs. Keep them safe. Help them learn. Make sure they know they are loved by you. That’s it.
Let your kids see conflict and how it resolves
There has been this myth that good parents never disagree in front of their children. The well-intentioned, but very wrong idea is that it makes children feel safe. This is so misguided. The caveat I will put here is that I am not talking about inviting them into your disputes. Nor do I want you to think that they should be there for fights. What they do need to witness though is that conflict gets resolved like the arc of a story. If they see the beginning, they should know that it ends.
If you have a partner, chances are you will have moments of disagreement. We often don’t even realise that we are in them in the beginning. This means that children are privy to the build-up. Take the content away from young ears to hear each other out. However, let them see your repair. Did you use unkind words? Did you dismiss your partner? Apologise near your child. If you are being apologised to and are accepting it, let your child see this happen with grace and respect.
If you are parenting without a partner (and even if you aren’t) you may get in conflict with your child. These are learning moments that set your child’s template for conflict management in the future. The way you handle this will show your children your values. Is it more important to be right than to listen to someone with less power? Is it more important to make sure everyone gets heard than finding a quick solution? Your actions will show them your truth. This is how they will decide what is actually valuable to them in relationships and how to repair after a rupture.
Queer kids still need sexual education
As a mother of queer teens, I found it a bit of relief knowing that pregnancy through consensual sex was not in my teen’s near future. When that moment passed, I realised that my heterosexual education and heterosexual life did not give me the information I needed to make sure my queer children were able to safely explore their sexuality. I’m talking about mechanics.
Anal penetration and certain types of vaginal penetration require information to be performed safely. This may include preparation ahead of the sexual act, an awareness of pain levels and a different knowledge of the importance of lubrication. So many of our queer teenagers turn to porn as their only source of sexual education. This can cause physical and psychological harm that may last a very long time.
Listen, I know these conversations are uncomfortable. You will need to do a bit of research to understand what needs to be discussed. However, a parent’s job is sometimes uncomfortable. We get through the tough moments by knowing it keeps our kids safe, helps them learn and makes sure they know they are loved by us.
Parenting isn’t always great
When you watch the commercials, read the books and scroll through social media, you get the impression that parenting is a series of beautiful moments filled with joy. That can happen…sometimes. However, there is a lot of in between that doesn’t make the feed.
Sometimes parenting is tough. Sometimes bonding isn’t instantaneous. Sometimes you worry over real and ridiculous things all at once. Sometimes you wonder why you ever did this or question whether or not you are qualified to do this. Sometimes, though no one is supposed to say it, parenting is boring.
All of the feelings are part of the parenting journey. You can feel the feelings and add guilt and shame to the pot. OR you can feel the feelings and see them as information. You will likely find a way to do a mixture of both. This is a marathon of marathons, not a sprint or even a single race. As your child grows and develops, so do you.
Help is out there. If negative feelings are taking over, don’t feel like you have to do this alone. Therapists who specialise in parenting can help you add tools to your toolbox. Whether it is practical parenting skills, sorting through your trauma or finding a way to play from the same rulebook as your partner, getting help from a professional will benefit your process and give you back many precious minutes in your life.
Good enough parenting is enough
Parents feel so much pressure to get things right; in a way, we should. It is a huge responsibility to help our children become adults. We are playing a long game and the stakes are high. We need to take this seriously. AND…
Perfect parents do not exist. We are going to get it wrong sometimes. If we go for 85% right as a benchmark for success, we are doing ok. Let’s not forget that there is learning in the 15% as well. We can show our humility and ability to learn from our mistakes when we name them and accept responsibility for them. It becomes safe for our children to make mistakes and turn them into learning opportunities.
I’ll leave you with a word from the great Maya Angelou:
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.”
Parenting has a learning curve. Just do your best, whatever your best looks like that day (because your best will change from day to day). It will instil in your children that value. It will also allow you to learn, love and accept yourself in a way that everyone deserves.
Gwendolyn Jones is a CICS graduate, a COSRT Registered Sex and Relationship Therapist, Parenting Consultant and Neurodiversity Expert. Learn more about her services here.
If you would like help and support with anything sex and relationship related, please contact STH to access our low-cost therapy service.
If you are interested in training to be a sex and relationship therapist please visit the CICS qualification pathways explainer page.
