Dear Notable Neurodivergents,
First off, let me say this: You are not alone. You might hear the word "neurodivergent" thrown around, but it’s not just a label—it’s a community, a spectrum of incredible ways that minds work, process, and experience the world. It also is not a qualifier about your ability to achieve. Your brain is simply wired differently, and that’s something worth embracing, even when it’s challenging for you or other people. So, in this letter, I invite you to remove the mask and feel seen and accepted for the wonderful person you are.
Relationships can be hard. Navigating intimacy, communication, and connection can feel like swimming against the current when others don’t speak neurodivergent. And no, I’m not going to give you a bunch of one-size-fits-all advice about what you should do to make it work. Instead, I want to acknowledge that neurodivergence often requires us to approach relationships—romantic or otherwise—differently. There’s no "right" way to be in a relationship, just like there’s no "right" way to have a brain.
Your Communication Style Is Valid
Whether you need time to process things, use direct language, or communicate non-verbally, your style of interaction matters and is entirely valid. Some of you may struggle with social cues or find it hard to read between the lines in conversations, especially when things get emotional or complicated. Some struggle with regulating their emotions when things feel intense. Some take a minute to shake off the vibe from one moment to the next. That’s okay. You simply think or feel differently. In fact, your directness and honesty can be refreshing as long as the other person understands it for what it is. If it takes extra time to understand or articulate emotions, you have the right to ask for that time.
Relationships can be hard. Navigating intimacy, communication, and connection can feel like swimming against the current when others don’t speak neurodivergent.
Clear communication is not just important, it’s a gift to yourself and the people in your life. The first step is learning what that means for you. The next step is learning how to communicate that style to those around you. The final step, and often the trickiest one, is learning to integrate your style with your partner/s. With time, honesty and specificity, everyone involved learns to be multilingual.
Sensory Sensitivities and Boundaries Are Key
How much of your survival to this point is a direct result of you doing what other people wanted even when it didn’t meet your needs, expectations or desires? For many of us, school would have been impossible without following someone else’s lead in an attempt to appear more normal (whatever that means). This means we hid our specialised interests, wore clothes that felt like glass on our skin or even allowed other people to define what our bodies should or shouldn’t do by holding in our stims.
Part of being an adult and removing the mask is deciding what we do that belongs to us and what we do that is a direct result of making our lights dimmer to meet other people’s expectations. Unmasking is confusing and often infuriating. Stick with it. It is the most empowering experience when you get to decide to eat your dessert with the little spoon.
Many of you experience the world with your senses turned up to 11 out of 10. Things like touch, sounds, and bright lights or smells can be overwhelming. If you feel discomfort during intimacy or in certain environments, you should never feel pressured to push through it. Consent and comfort are foundational, and knowing your sensory limits is a strength. Talking about those boundaries with partners or friends might be uncomfortable, but it’s crucial for mutual respect and understanding. Remember, those who like or love you do not want you to feel discomfort.
Your body is yours, and the way it reacts to stimuli is uniquely yours as well. There’s no shame in needing things to slow down, to move differently, to stop or pause, to have space, or to communicate specific needs around touch and intimacy. When you remove the internalised neurodivergent shame, it can be a fun activity to learn what brings you pleasure. You also have the right for your body to not be touched for sexual pleasure. This is the beauty of discovering how sexuality shows up in you.
Relationships Work on Everyone’s Terms
You might hear people talk about how relationships are supposed to look—a specific trajectory of dating, intimacy, and life milestones. Here’s the thing: those rules don’t have to apply to you. Whether you prefer routine, need predictability, or want more flexibility, relationships are about what works for you and anyone else you choose to bring into them. It’s okay if you don’t enjoy the same things neurotypical people do, or if you have interests and passions that others don’t understand. The right people will celebrate that.
Romantic relationships, friendships, and even family dynamics can be tricky. And yes, sometimes it might feel like everyone else got a "relationship instruction manual" and you didn’t. But there is no manual. Your way of loving, supporting, and connecting with others is just as valid. It might take some extra negotiation, clear communication, and understanding, but the best relationships are built on shared respect and the honouring of differences.
Conflict Isn’t the Enemy
Conflict can be scary. Whether it’s because you feel overwhelmed or struggle with navigating emotions, know this: conflict is not inherently bad. Disagreements happen in all relationships. What matters is how it gets resolved. Do you need time to process before responding? Do you feel shut down by certain tones of voice or quick escalations? Do you need to walk away when you feel the pull to lean into the chaos and lose control? Advocate for what you need around conflict. If you're someone who needs clear instructions or more time to decompress, let that be known.
The goal isn’t to avoid conflict; it’s to manage it in a way that keeps you and the people you care about emotionally safe.
Sexuality and Identity Are Yours to Explore
For neurodivergent individuals, sexual identity and experiences can sometimes be complex. Maybe you’ve felt different in terms of attraction, sexual needs, or the way you approach physical intimacy. Your experience of sexuality is as valid as anyone else’s. If you need specific accommodations or find that traditional understandings of sex and relationships don’t fit you—know that there are no wrong ways to express yourself, so long as it’s consensual, legal and respectful.
Queer, straight, asexual, polyamorous or anything else, your sexual identity is yours to define. And yes, figuring it out might be a process—don’t rush. Learn what feels good, safe, and right for you. You also can give yourself permission to allow that to change and develop as your understanding of yourself grows and develops. There’s no pressure to "fit in" or follow anyone’s expectations.
It’s Okay to Ask for Help
If relationships or intimacy feel overwhelming, or you’re struggling with things like sensory overload, boundaries, emotional regulation or communication, reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Therapists who specialize in neurodivergence understand that your needs are different and can offer tools that fit your unique brain. There is nothing wrong with asking for support in navigating the complexities of your emotions, relationships, or sexual experiences.
Sometimes life will be exhausting, and the world might not always be accommodating to your needs. But please remember, you deserve love, respect, and relationships that make you feel valued.
Take things at your own pace. Give yourself permission to be exactly who you are.
You’re not just enough, you are SPECTACULAR—just as you are.
Gwendolyn Jones is a CICS graduate, a COSRT Registered Sex and Relationship Therapist, Parenting Consultant and Neurodiversity Expert. Learn more about her here.
If you would like help and support with anything sex and relationship related, please contact Sex Therapy Herts to access our low-cost therapy service.
If you are interested in training to be a sex and relationship therapist visit the CICS qualification pathways explainer page here.
