Relationship therapists are always talking to their clients about communication. The absence of communication, or the misunderstanding of what has been said, account for a lot of the trouble in intimate relationships and friendships.
Effective communication has four key elements; speaking (or writing), listening (or reading), validating and empathising. Sounds very simple doesn’t it? However, saying or writing anything in the first place can be very difficult for some of us, let alone our partners or friends hearing or understanding us as we intended.
All sorts of issues get in the way of effective communication, like the example we are set by the way our parents communicated, past experiences of arguments, fear of rejection, feelings of rightness, shame avoidance, mind reading, anger and passive aggression, to name but a few. If we do manage to say or write how we feel it’s easy for our partners or friends to feel criticised and if a person feels criticised they typically respond with defensiveness. Criticism and defensiveness have been identified in relationship studies as two of four main behaviours that destroy relationships. Contempt and stonewalling are the other two and both of them are forms of problematic communication; contempt being disdainful words or gestures and stonewalling being a complete absence of communication, ‘talk to the hand ‘cos the face ‘aint listening’ kind of vibe.
All sorts of issues get in the way of effective communication, like the example we are set by the way our parents communicated, past experiences of arguments, fear of rejection, feelings of rightness, shame avoidance, mind reading, anger and passive aggression, to name but a few.
And then we have the challenge of validation and empathy, especially if we are in disagreement. The radical thing is that we don’t actually need to agree with someone to acknowledge that their feelings are valid and empathise with the way they feel. Take this example; I have been telling my partner for years that they drive too fast. They disagree with me that they are driving too fast and they don’t adjust their speed. I angrily assert that they are driving too fast and are scaring me. They point out they are driving at or under the speed limit, they have never had an accident, they are a better driver than me …. and they don’t slow down. And on it goes, like a tennis match. Criticism, defensiveness and more criticism - game set match.
Then one day, I finally remembered that I am a relationship therapist and I should know better how to communicate with a partner. I said ‘My love, you are driving too fast for me. I know you are a competent and skilled driver and can take bends at a speed I can’t drive at and I know it annoys you when I ask you to slow down. I’m a nervous passenger … could you please just drive slower when you are driving with me?’
The difference in this communication was that I owned the problem. I validated my partner’s driving skills and empathised with how annoying it is to be told to slow down when you feel you are driving well, and I asked them to make a change just for when I am in the car with them. And, miracle of miracles, they slowed down. This only took about 25 years to figure out and over 10 of those years I had been guiding couples to communicate more effectively. Embarrassing right?
Another major issue with communication is the problem of embedded relationship values that show up as expectations. Like all values we grow up with, we are not always aware of how deeply they are held and how what feels obvious to you is not always obvious to others, until they are breached. Then, lo and behold, you find that you have an assumed and important value that has not been communicated to others and that others might not share with you in the same way but has now been breached … and you feel hurt.
Let’s take the concept of ‘loyalty’ for an example. We may agree that loyalty is a positive relationship value; having your partner’s and friend’s backs and them having yours is part of the safety and support generated by human connection. Where is gets a bit complicated though is agreeing what we mean by loyalty.
In the 1974 Michael Parkinson interview, Dr Jacob Bronowski said “one is faced, at many moments in one’s life, between loyalties that are not compatible”. Such as loyalty to country of origin versus loyalty to country of residence, loyalty to your employer versus loyalty to your family, loyalty to others versus loyalty to yourself.
This is a reminder that multiple perspectives and tensions exist on, in this example, loyalty. We can say the same for other big relationship value constructs like monogamy, love and sex. We don’t all agree on what these words mean or how to ‘do’ them. No one ‘truth’ or ‘right way’ exists.
All roads lead back to effective communication then. Keeping up to date with the people you care about or who care about you, telling a person how you feel and owning it as your feeling, listening to how a person feels even if you don’t agree they should feel that way, explaining or being curious about a friend or partner’s perspective and one another’s relationship value constructs when we accidentally step on them.
Much pain and upset could be avoided if we communicated more often and remembered that the people we are communicating with have feelings and relationship values of their own that may or may not align with ours. If the values gap is too big, the relationship may need to end. But most of the time if we follow the principles of effective communication we can bridge an understanding gap or prevent the gap being an issue in the first place.
If you are a qualified therapist and want to learn more about working with intimate partner relationships take a look at our Certificate in Intimate Partner Therapy.
If you need support with communication in your friendship or intimate relationship, take a look at our Recommended Therapists or at our low-cost service Sex Therapy Herts.
Photo by Volodymyr Hryshchenko on Unsplash
